I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
