Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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