you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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