Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Randomize
