I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
