I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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