First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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