Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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