first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
