I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
