I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
