i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
