I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We were destined to go to rehab together
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize
