there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
