I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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