the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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