My liver just broke up with me...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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