We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
