my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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