I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
