Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
