i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You need a sexual gate keeper
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
