Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
