I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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