FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
My vagina just clenched in fear
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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