The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
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Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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