You're a womanizer and a bitch.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
