Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
