I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
