giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
