I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
