How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
nutella sex= disaster
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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