Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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