FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
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He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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