i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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