I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Where is the hickey?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
