he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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