well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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