It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
