hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
