Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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