Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
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