I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
All I want is dick and wine.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
