i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
