dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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