you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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