she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
