She went from zero to smokin in five shots
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
