My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I didn't notice because vodka
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
