I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
