I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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