She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
