Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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